Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
The only good comments section online is on recipes
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem