When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn鈥檛 work n Spongebob said THAT鈥橲 TWO THINGS THAT DON鈥橳 WORK 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
car not found
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I鈥檇 rather fork than spoon.
Me: Accept your flaws. You鈥檒l feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we鈥檙e done and you鈥檙e leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
HER: let鈥檚 be open about how we really feel. I鈥檒l go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don鈥檛 want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries