I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
You Might Also Like
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
That took me a moment.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!