I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
O Wise One….
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons