Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa