Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Me :
All Day At Night
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.