How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.