best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.