If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in