[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
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Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.