ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
it be like that
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
sir, my pâté if you please
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes