If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]