Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
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Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out