If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
You Might Also Like
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
How to properly lift a body
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.