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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Never forget.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.