I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
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I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
i- i did not expect this
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl