I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
You Might Also Like
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me