[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
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I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.