Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Ape together strong
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory