I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…