I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
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Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
I have never related to a cat more
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.