Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
You wish you had this many chins.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces