Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.