[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors