My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
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At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Risking my life for fun.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.