“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
You Might Also Like
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Squirrels before girls.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.