If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You Might Also Like
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Close call…