We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
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I have no passwords left in me
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
going to the ER y’all need anything
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.