Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Have kids, they said
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
[eulogy]
line?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo