mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave