[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?