Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
? 💀
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.