“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
The Struggle
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Ugh but profoundly
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Cheer up.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade