I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.