“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.