I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high