everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
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My chiropractor is a crack addict.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Okey dokey.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body