Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
You Might Also Like
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
lmao
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Now, where’s the sport in that?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise