If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons