Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
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*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Is….Is this an option?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Sooo many times…..
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”