Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
You Might Also Like
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence