YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?