Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I think this should do it.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Can. I. Help. You.