Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG