Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
that colleague who touches your screen
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
three things we don’t talk about
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov