Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
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Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
#ParentingFacts
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
definitely did not do anything wrong
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.