When you kidnap a writer.
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no