Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
You Might Also Like
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good