Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
You Might Also Like
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”