(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”